Phase of Life.

When we were little, we had no idea what "adult's life" is all about.

Have you ever think of a phase or a chapter in your life where it had come to an end?

Wow...
It really "amazed" me to think of it, how things had come to an end, and that everything is left behind..

Some of my closed chapter, something I won't be experienced twice, somewhere I won't be staying at, or working at, as in those stories had come to an end:
- Tempat tinggal di Jakarta (kost-kostan)
- Beberapa gedung di Jakarta, tempat dan pekerjaan yang lama, dan beberapa orang yang mungkin seumur hidup ngga akan pernah ketemu lagi.
- Teman-teman dekat dulu di Phils yang sekarang udah kembali ke negara masing-masing atau ke negara lain, pasti ada yang sampe mati ngga akan ketemu lagi.
- Rumah-rumah dinas Bokap yang dulu.
- Hidup dengan status masih punya orang tua. Wow.. kalo ini terjadi dalam keadaan gua belum menikah, aduh, udah ngga tau deh.. sekarang aja gua masih "sakit batin".

Life, eh?
Gua ga mention closed chapter tinggal di Jakarta atau di Manado, karena kedepannya gua ga bisa prediksi.  Hanya, untuk items yang udah gua mention tadi diatas, itu semua bener-bener di masa depan ngga bisa terulang lagi / kerja / tinggal di tempat yang sama, ex. gua ga mungkin di masa depan tinggal di ex. rumah dinas bokap kan? heheh.. kinda like that.

It's really hard to move on.
I surely have something with memories.  I'm trapped in the past.
It gets me really emotional.

I need to heal.
I need to.
My biggest insecurity now is: die young.
I want to raise my kid(s), I wanna see them grow, I wanna grow old with my family..
But having to experience a lot of death among the family member, haunted me as if I am too gonna die soon.. oh my.. It haunts me every single night.. no kidding.. that is why I need to heal..
My spirit is broken inside..
I know it's gonna cause me physical illness if I continue to have all these ideas, thinking, and feeling..

"So this is what death caused..."
Thinking of what happened after my Mother passed away, after my Aunt passed away, and after my Father passed away.. not to mention my Nephew, my Cousins, my Uncle...
Goodness gracious.  Scary.
It brought imperfection to (a) family/families.

You just have no idea.

I don't know how and when can I be healed.  It has been 5 months since my Dad went away, and I am still like this, so broken inside..
I wake up almost every dawn or in the middle of the night, hardly get back to sleep, thinking of my insecurities.

I had no idea how loosing someone I love so much would have an impact like this.

After my Mother passed away, I always say to God during my prayer before I sleep every night is to keep my Dad, to keep him alive, not to take him away, because I had no idea how would I face those moments, how I wouldn't have the strength.
I was pretty sure my Dad would live up to 80 or 90 y.o., since his Father and their family lived a long year of life, 80, 90, even more than 100 y.o.
So I really didn't see it coming.
That day he was sick, the next day he was gone.
Me?
I went crazy.
Until now.

5 months and 3 days...

Bener-bener bikin gua sakit jiwa...

Kenapa jadi kelihatan salah begini yah kalo terlalu dekat dengan seseorang?
When you love someone too much, kenapa jadi salah begini yah?

----____----"

Baru tadi malam gua mimpi kalo Bokap Nyokap udah ngga ada, as in mimpi soal ngebahas kuburan mereka.. apakah ini artinya gua udah mulai menerima kenyataan? atau itu artinya gua harus terima kenyataan?

WHEN YOUR HEART DOESN'T WANNA CANNOT TRUST WHAT YOUR MIND KNOWS..